Last Week Tonight returned with its 13th-season premiere on Sunday night after three months off the air, and host John Oliver quickly acknowledged the multiple news events that happened during that time.
“We’ve been off for the last three months, and we have missed a lot, and I mean a lot, a lot,” he told viewers at the start of his late-night HBO show.
In five minutes, he quickly recapped all the headlines that happened since the season finale in November. Below, read his recap:
“Trump was awarded the first ever FIFA Peace Prize just weeks before kidnapping the president of Venezuela. The latest batch of Epstein files got released. Measles numbers exploded across multiple states, which I know seems bad, but to be fair — not if you’re the measles.
“Trump repeatedly threatened to take over Greenland, or as he now seems to refer to it about half the time, Iceland. The Beckham family went through some shit, and Trump said this while promoting whole milk in the Oval Office,” Oliver continued, showing a clip of Trump noting that the spelling of “whole” starts with a “w.”
“I mean, I guess he’s right there, it is actually whole milk with a ‘w,’ not hole milk, which I know sounds like nonsense, but it’s actually the official beverage of the absolutely real new Netflix show Detective Hole starring, and this is true, detective Harry Hole. Apparently it’s based on a Norwegian series of novels and it’s supposed to be pronounced Hu-la, but respectfully, nah, Norway, it’s pronounced hole.
“That was just the beginning: Zohran Mamdani was sworn in as New York mayor. Eric Adams launched a meme coin that he said would, among other things, fight antisemitism, and OK. And the Department of the Interior announced a new coal mascot called Coalie, which really felt like an attempt to bait us [the show] into coming back early. It wasn’t even the only time that we were tempted to do that because there was also the headline ‘Beloved walrus penis stolen from New Jersey cheesesteak icon. Owner is blubbering mad.’ You don’t think if we’d been on-air back then, we’d have tracked down that walrus penis and donated the proceeds to Doctors Without Borders or something? Are you new here?
“Oh, and at Miss Universe, one contestant did this,” he continued, showing video of Miss Norway, Leonora Lysglimt-Rødland, wearing a gown that looked like a salmon. “That happened. Miss Norway wore this as a costume. And I guess to be fair, it does sum up Norway nicely in an image. I mean, what else was she gonna dress up as? Detective Harry Hole?
“I’m still not done because the Winter Olympics got underway, and there’s already been lots of incredible action, as well as some personal drama like this,” Oliver noted, showing video of Norwegian biathlete Sturla Holm Lægreid, who made headlines for admitting that he cheated on his girlfriend after accepting winning gold.
“Wow,” said Oliver. “That is usually not the kind of declaration of love you see in public, it is why stadium jumbotrons generally say things like, ‘Will you marry me?’ and not ‘Sorry I fucked your sister, are we cool?’
“The point is, that guy won a bronze medal, then immediately begged for his ex-girlfriend of six months to forgive him and seemed optimistic that it might work. … There is definitely not [a happy ending for the athlete] because she’s since put out a statement declining to reunite and saying, ‘We have had contact and he is aware of my opinions on this’ — a response that could only be more brutal if she delivered it after winning silver in his event.
“And if you’re thinking, wow, the biathlon is surprisingly messy, you clearly know nothing about the biathlon, because it’s not even this guy’s first time causing trouble. In 2023, he was banned from the biathlon World Cup after accidentally, and this is true, shooting his gun in the team’s hotel.
“Meanwhile, in the women’s competition this year, Julia Simon competed for France despite the fact that last October, a French court gave her a three-month suspended jail sentence after she admitted to stealing the credit cards of her teammate and an unnamed French staffer and making $2,300 in online purchases. She apparently said, ‘I can’t explain this. I don’t remember doing it. I can’t make sense of it. And I don’t know how this story could get any juicier unless she turns out to be the woman that that guy cheated on his girlfriend.
“Because at that point, someone please call Andy Cohen, we have a new hit Bravo series on our hands,” Oliver added, showing a mockup title card for a show he jokingly dubbed The Real Biathletes of Milan.
“By the way, Simon competed at the Olympics this week and guess what, she fucking won gold. The French credit card thief won gold and you think I don’t wanna talk about the chaotic energy of Olympic biathletes for the rest of this show?” he joked.
